I'm writing here again. Only because i really think God hates me. He's doing the fun game of giving me a nice present and then snatching it away at the last minute and going "Ha!Ha!" (Simpsons's Nelson style).

Why am i so affected by it? It was only a few days. What did i see there that bore its way deep into my emotional bank. I know its foolish of me to feel this way. Its best to disconnect and get on with my life (Since its obviously not the same way for him). Men are more level headed and less prone to flights of fantasy. And yet memories will haunt.


They always haunt.

It's tragic. More than tragic. And i HATE the way the news have covered it. It isn't a sensational scoop dammit. He was a person. This was from the Channel U website-"Ishi of soul found dead in car! More details inside!"

WHAT THE HELL??

And the New Paper oh my god. The article was more centered around the fact that the national stadium had just been demolished blah blah blah and is gonna be remodeled to a blah blah blah. Oh heaven forbid that someone just died inside the sacred ground that is our national stadium.

"Police are investigating the case as an unnatural death.

The National Stadium was a popular venue for events like the Malaysia Cup, the National Day Parade and pop concerts....The stadium will be demolished to make way for a new Sports Hub.

The hub- a complex that will comprise a new 55 000 seater stadium, a 6000 seat indoor acquatic centre and a 3000 seat multi-purpose arena- is set to be ready by mid-2011"


That is how the New Paper ended the article.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is how you end a report on a heartbreaking suicide? You use a death to advertise how wonderful the new sports hub is going to be? What kind of reporting is this. No sensitivity whatsoever. And i can bet that after the new paper found out he was a sort of celebrity they're gonna be "oh how sad!" in tmr's paper, reporting on how he was a fantabulous dancer, teacher, son, etc.

All of us are still in shock. I can't imagine what the studio wu team must be feeling right now since they were all so close. And his family. Gosh.

I didn't really know him but we've talked once or twice. There was once we talked about MJ and how he was once president. I asked him about whether i should join the committee and we were discussing the pros and cons. Then he said to me, "For you...hmmm...i think you can be dance captain".

He was definitely just being nice (since honestly i know i'm not good) but what he said gave me confidence as i was feeling pretty low about my dancing skills. I will never forget what he said and i will always remember the much needed self esteem boost it gave me. Whether it was true or not.

He was an amazing dance teacher too. Very funny and extremely patient with his students. He was always cheerful and yet sometimes you could detect a much more somber side. Sometimes when he was sitting or standing alone he had this look that told you that something in his life was not going so well.

During the evoke concert i noticed he was very quiet. He only smiled or talked when he was onstage or when people talked to him. But i saw him walk up and down the dressing room corridors and often sitting alone with a solemn, thoughtful expression. I even thought, "hmmmm i wonder what's wrong with him". In the wings when the production was going on i saw him holding and stroking Glady's hand and i thought, "how sweet!" Maybe he wasn't depressed and just wanted to be quiet. But i guess now maybe not. He was killed by a gun onstage and then he killed himself in reality.

He will be missed lah.

Now i'm scared of going to melbourne. So many bad things have happened. Horribe things are bound to happen in melbourne. I just know it. Maybe for my safety i should cancel the trip.

I don't know. what should i do.

I would love to get a boob job. But they get in the way of dancing. But guys go so gaga over them. But who cares.

I think i've hit a new low in my life. Really really low point. Therefore when school starts i want to cram my time with activities. I want to join the ice skating club and if i have enough guts-the breakdancing club. I realise the only time i don't think is when i'm dancing or trying not to fall down and getting my fingers sliced off by whizzing blades. Oh yeah i wanna be a member of Pretty Tuff too so i can do free yoga and pilates. Or yogalates.

alright just had a really hurtful msn conversation. I always knew you were an asshole but i thought that maybe after how nice i've been to you and after all our past conversations, you would be a bit nicer to me too. I know its my fucking fault that i was nice to you last time. Flings aren't supposed to be nice to each other right. We're supposed to just fuck and fuck off. God forbid the girl buys things for the guy, does things for him, hangs out with him, lends him money. I never even pulled the whole scary stalkerish fling thing. Like a good girl i never bugged you, went away when you wanted me to. And so because of one very childish and playful thing i said he might not wanna talk to me again? Thats cool. very cool.

I can't believe i still let him hurt me. I barely feel anything for him now and he still has the capability of hurting me. Maybe its cos at the moment i have no self esteem or dignity. Thank you. Thank you man.

It was a fun and amusing trip. Didn't buy much stuff but definitely brought back with me a few kg on my stomach and thighs.

Day 1

The sun was scorching but it wasn't humid. While waiting to check in we went to Tesco and immediately attacked the Mr Donut store before having lunch. God the doughnuts were fucking orgasmic. And i still think Mr Donut is better than Dunkin' Donuts. Dunkin' is a lot more expensive as well.

After check in we hit MBK. Besides shopping cheryl and i wanted to do manicures. Didn't buy much. Only bought more dance dvds. The boys didn't buy much either. Don't you think MBK gets super boring after awhile? Rows and rows of shops selling the exact same things at the exact same prices.







MBK food





Things got more exciting at night. Cheryl and i promised each other that we would go and see a ping pong show. I was wondering how we were going to discern which place was safe etc but fortunately the lady from the travel agency solved all our problems. When we touched down in BK she was there to pick us up and she asked us whether we wanted to do any touristy things like "You want see fuck show? Tiger show. Is 600 baht with transport." It was so much safer than if we were to go to patpong and ask around so we said yes. So at night she picked us up and brought us to the place. It was in one of the really dodgy and seedy back alley shops. Techno greeted us as we walked in and i was like "Yeah!!" It was a pretty normal tiger show. Naked women pulling metres of strings with coloured cloth or bells out of their pussies, opening coke bottles with their pussies, writing "Welcome to Thailand!" on paper, blowing out candles, smoking cigarettes. Some were fat, some had nice bodies. Most of them seriously needed a bikini wax. Then there was the lesbian sex display followed by the heterosexual one. Even though they were really having sex and i have the exhibitionist in me, it wasn't a turn on cos the lesbians were fat and old and the guy was old and skinny, they had bored expressions on their faces and they were soundless. Weiliang and John were like so drooling. It was funny to see them. Too bad we couldn't take photos. But then again, would we really have wanted to?

After the tiger show we went to patpong to look see and also cos my bro wanted me to buy brass knuckles for him. And since i knew ian wanted brass knuckles too and a butterfly knife i decided to buy them and surprise him.

Patpong was boring so we went to Suan Lom market after that. I love that bloody place. It's an artsy night market with so many nice clothes and home furnishings. It's really a lot nicer than patpong.




Pad thai at Suan Lom






Day 2

I had so much fried stuff and doughnuts that i had to go the gym (and the bloody hotel charges $9 to go to the gym) in the morning. After that we all went to Siam Centre to eat at this fabulously cheap sushi place...wish i could go back there again. I recommended the place and i was glad to see that they were all enjoying it.







Japanese Egg



John's huge bento set

After sushi it was off to platinum shopping centre. This place has more than 1300 shops and we didn't have enough time to see stuff properly. Me and cheryl only bought fucking fucking fucking cheap make up stuff.

Then we trooped down to Chinatown. It was dirty, grimy but it was exciting. We ate snacks at the road side stalls and we found this wholesale accessories shop where the bling was going for $3-$7!!! So i stocked up to use for future dance performances. I regret not buying more.

Re-creation of China






Road side fried chicken



The main reason for going to chinatown was to eat the sharksfin and we managed to find it. Damn shiok with fucking a lot of msg. Just the way it's supposed to be.

















Since we were only there for 3 nights we had to squeeze in so many things. After the sharksfin dinner we went for a thai massage. I didn't want it to end...and it was fun gossiping with cheryl while we were getting prodded and kneaded. We could hear the boys all the way from the other room they were in...for some reason speaking in chinese about their NS days.

Then it was off to Khao san! I've always wanted to visit the place which was the inspiration for The Beach. It was every bit as happening as i imagined it to be. Cheap bars and discos blasting hip hop hits. There was this make shift bar by the roadside that promised "very strong alcohol" for 80 baht a drink ($3.60). How could we resist eh. And the roadside food oh my god!!! I immediately attacked the pad thai and all of us had multiple sticks of chicken and beef kebabs. John and i were separated from Cheryl and Weiliang for awhile and when we finally found them she held up a plastic bag full of sea worms and meal worms. I plucked up my courage and ate a fat sea worm. It tasted like a bean that's been left out too long so i chased it down with my huge bottle of Chang beer. Since Khao san closes early at 1am we decided to go back the next day to experience it more. They didn't wanna finish the worms so they gave it to the taxi driver on the way back. He looked really happy.


Neon lights of hedonism

Hair weaving salon

Day 3

Jatujak day! The place is massive! And it was so fucking hot. I only bought 2 bags though and loads of majorly cheap earrings. Cheryl nearly bought the whole place...which is what i should have done but if i don't see anything i like i don't see the point of purchasing. I was looking forward more to seeing the animals they sell and i wasn't disappointed. The puppies were unnaturally cute and in such good condition. They're cuter than singapore puppies. I carried and cuddled so many wishing i could bring them home. John and i were so preoccupied with the puppies that we got separated from Cheryl and Weiliang AGAIN. So we arranged to meet them later at the clock tower instead of trying to find each other.




John and me at Jatujak









When we finally made our way to the clock tower and sat down. I realised that there was a hole in my bag. A pick pocket had tried to slash open my bag but he/she didn't anticipate the second layer and the hole that he/she made was so small that nothing fell out! I was really blessed by an angel. Wow i never thought i'd be a victim. Nothing was missing at all and i got a chance to use my new bag right away.

When we headed down to Khao san it started to drizzle, putting a dampener on our last night in Bangkok. Since we didn't want to spend so much money we sat at the roadside bar again. And i think it was the combination of the depressing rain and alcohol that made me start to really miss him. I wished he was there with me. We would have had so much fun together being hedonists. We would drink until our livers burst and have fun dancing to techno and rnb in some weird disco. And all the shopping. He likes shopping.

We didn't do much. Just bought more roadside food and went back to the hotel. My heart was getting the better of me so i msged him. I shouldn't have because suddenly there came a barrage of really cutting and hurtful msgs from him. I really didn't know what i did to deserve that response...i just wanted to tell him that i missed him. Thank god i was doped up on sleeping pills and alcohol...i didn't wanna crumble in front of cheryl and the boys.


Day 4

We went to stock up on donuts in the morning before going to the airport. I bought 3 dozen. A box for the MJ girls and the rest for me and my family.

Ok this is where it gets REALLY good. When we touched down in Singapore, we bought alcohol at DFS and just as we were going out into the arrival hall, customs decided to scan our luggage. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Big joke on me right. Of course they saw the weapons in my luggage. So the customs officer brought me aside to the ICA office. He asked me where i bought them, when i bought them, how much i bought them for, why i bought them, to which i sighed and replied, "They're presents". So they took down all my details like my occupation, which school i'm from etc. I had to wait for the police to come down and interview me and take statements. I wanted to cry at this point already but i was too numb. I have to say they were really nice policemen. They explained to me these items were prohibited and they looked really sympathetic. The police man that took my statement said that it would take a few months to process my case and that his Investigating Officer would do his best to fight for me so i only get off with a warning. I asked him what would happen if i do get charged and he said well it'll be a fine or worse. But since i'm a first time offender with a clean record i have a good chance of a warning. Personally i think the fact that i'm a girl and i'm from a good university played a huge roll in their kind treatment towards me and hopefully will get me off with a warning.

I really hope they don't charge me. I don't want a record. What makes things worse is that those weapons weren't even for me (and i wasted $30 on them). I just wanted to surprise him. They were my last excuse of seeing him again face to face and not from behind shelves in Kalms (or is it Cards n Such). I know i know i'm stupid. Stop mocking me ok. None of you know what its like. Despite what everyone thinks, i was really happy for the last 3 years. And to not have that happiness ever again....its crushing.

So yeah thats how my thailand trip ended. With a pending police case.

My life sure is exciting.

The Big Groove was definitely the most awesomest dance concert of the year. I'm so glad i went. A big scale event with big scale dancers. I really wanted to wrap up one of the jap dancers to take home. Those guys are crraaazzyyy! It's like they perform every damn day or something and pop and lock while they're taking a dump.

Before going to the concert Alyssa and i were walking around town because i had to buy a father's day card and she had to find a white dress. Like the loser i am i peeked furtively from the card shop to try and get a glimpse of him. I just wanted to see him and it felt so good to see his face. I didn't have the guts to say hi. I wish things didn't have to be this way. It's like there's no trace of our history. It's as if we never existed. There's one episode of south park where cartman freezes himself because he couldn't wait 3 weeks for the Nintendo Wii and wakes up 500 years in the future. He then uses this 'Crank prank time phone' to call himself in the past and warn himself not to freeze. I wish i could do that. I wish i could call myself 3 years ago and warn myself not to send that message outside the lecture theatre. Actually i think i'd call myself a bit further back in time to warn myself to not ask Dame for E.

In the mrt Alyssa asked me how we first met. And for 5 mins i was transported back. It didn't hurt. It felt good cos for awhile it was as if nothing had happened and i was still in the midst of those first moments. It felt nice to be happy again.


p.s don't say you love me. It can't be true. How can it be when you don't even miss me? No calls, no messages. I know the real reasons why you're so strong now. And it's great, i'm happy for you. So don't say superfluous untruths to comfort me. Don't worry. I'll get off your back.

He has totally moved on so why can't i? Why is it so difficult for me to pick up the pieces and go, like a one night stand stealthily picking his/her clothes off the floor so as not to disturb the passed out drunk.

Nights are of course the most difficult. I'm quite anxious because i swear i have watched every comedy and chick flick that the east point video ezy has. I've ran out of happy movies to watch! That's so upsetting! I'm not exaggerating. I've really watched everything happy they have to offer. They should hire me as a movie consultant. Or at least reward me as a frequent borrower. Movies and alcohol are my solace. And it's really not so bad watching dvds and drinking alone. Really. It's not as pathetic as you think. It's very comforting. However because of my excessive drinking i've put on a lot of weight and i am now a hideous monster that is left in a corner. Wow like my primary school days.

However i heard something really weird today. I was on the way home with Liza when suddenly she said, "Hey you know Pat asked about you. He asked me 'where's the studio wu girl. what's her name?' "

"Alicia"

And I was like, "WHAT???? ARE U SURE???? oh my god why???"

Then she said, "i told him i didn't know where you were. Then he asked if you were in dancetitude and i said yah, then he said oh then she's not doing my item ah?"

I can't remember liza's reply after this but i was getting pretty hysterical by then. I was like, oh my god i thought pat doesn't even know i exist and then he had to ask where i was when i was absent and there was no reason to cover for me!

But Liza assured me he wasn't angry so thats cool. Thank god he hasn't started on the finale item yet or else i'd be pretty behind.

But dancetitude is coming along swimmingly.